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Loooong iPhone 5 - Your apps will work

ToddGoldsteinToddGoldstein Bouncer, Bar Keep Posts: 695
edited October 2012 in Updates

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The cat is out of the bag. The new iPhone is loooooong.

While mainstream media is scrambling to describe the revolution we've nailed it in one word: Looooooong.

That's right. Just like your laundry detergent, iPhone 5 now too sports 10% extra. In length. Plus some finicky tech stuff inside.

Does it matter? Hell yeah!

App developers the world over are squirming in agony. Why? Their apps don't fit the screen any longer. That's right: Size does matter. And so does "aspect ratio".

By stretching the screen in only ONE direction Apple pulled off the amazing stunt to outdate 700,000 apps. Sure, they'll still look OK because like with your old TV you'll have black bars around the parts where you're too midgety to fill the screen. But to anyone with half an eye your app looks like your 40-something self on a date in your prom suit.

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Are you safe?

If you're an appCat you'll be laughing all the way to the bank while your competitors who made apps with sleazy online services have yet another reason to feel inferior. Yes! For the last year App.Cat has followed rumors, paid off gum shoes, and opened fake brothels in Silicon Valley to get on the up-and-up. And up-and-up DID arrive. Yesterday. And we're set.

Wow! How did you pull this one off?

As part of our "Android is our hairy Italian cousin worth loving"-project (aptly code named "DroidSalami") the tireless Kittens recoded App.Cat apps for 6 months to fit the gamut of available screen sizes and aspect ratios. After many long hot showers the pain paid off: App.Cat apps now work on every Android device from Amazon Kindle to Zamzung ChowMein.

And just like with the discovery of Dynamite, Penicillin, and Silly Putty, the invention was unintentional. A side effect with benefits. Sans Craig's List. Your apps stretch loooooong without distorting stuff. Or giving you the black bars of shame. Juke Joint. Disco. Fiesta. Done!

Do I have to do anything?

Your kind love will do, thank you. We'll push some new features into your apps and app making software over the next week. Free, of course. Along with it, our hot and steamy stretchy iPhone 5 lovey longtime code. It's all hands-off for you and your clients and app owners. You do nothing. They do nothing; Stuff, peeps are REALLY good at.

Or do it yourself right now: Click the Cloud button in your software. It'll beam the new iPhone 5 code into your app on every iPhone that has it...

Sit back and smirk that the shmucks who pay monthly for sub-par crApps that neither impress their clients nor their customers. You don't care. Because your apps are gorgeous, unique, fast, nimble, and... looooong!

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